


Crushing

by Luuna (you_know_them_trees)



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: F/M, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-06-04 12:47:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6658300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/you_know_them_trees/pseuds/Luuna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec didn’t hate himself around Magnus Bane.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crushing

**Author's Note:**

> (I wrote this whilst almost falling asleep, there might be some embarassingly obvious mistakes left)

Alec realized he was in love with Jace years ago. Izzy still called him out on his behavior sometimes, and asked him if there was something he needed to tell her. She thought he was in denial, he supposed. That sad, frustrated look she got in her eye when she caught him staring at Jace… well, it was the same he wore the first time a boy broke her heart. She wanted to look out for him and he wanted to pretend that he wasn’t in love with Jace. Maybe it was a sort of denial, but a different kind. She thought he didn’t know his feelings, while he wished he didn’t.

The first time his heart fluttered in his chest at the sight of Jace was the only time it didn’t come accompanied by the guilt and the regret.

When Jace had a crush on a girl in middle school and he would talk about her, with Alec, all day long, Alec would smile and nod and tease him. Only later, locked safely in his own room, would he let the smile fall from his lips. He’d lie on his bed, Jace’s smirk on his retinas and something crushing his chest till he couldn’t breathe.

The moment Jace brought back Clary to the Institute was the moment when Alec truly knew he would never have a chance to be with him. He should have understood it long ago, of course, but sometimes when Jace hugged him, he managed to delude himself.

The grin Jace had, after meeting Clary, didn’t lie. It was love at first sight, like some stupid teenage movie, and of course she fucking liked him too. Who wouldn’t?

Alec glared and snapped at them as they went on their quest to save her mom and the Mortal cup. Jace frowned at Alec’s behavior, but he didn’t figure it out.

Only after they’d faced the memory demon, and Alec’s secret threatened to spill all by itself, did Alec realize that he had to take a step back and tone it down or even the oblivious Jace would understand. But keeping his feelings to himself was more difficult than ever.

Jace told him that he loved him. And Alec’s heart fluttered in his chest, while a bitter taste filled his mouth and made him nauseous.

There was something wrong with him. They were parabatai and had grown up together. He avoided touching Jace; stepped far aside when they met and dodged both hugs and high fives. Jace deserved a parabatai who didn’t fantasize about him, who didn’t dislike Clary just for Jace’s interest in her and who didn’t hang on to his every word as though they meant something more than the obvious. He was disgusting.

It was easy to feel that way while around the others. He would berate himself for every stutter in his heartbeat or involuntary smile and tell himself inside his head to _fucking stop_ when he stared at Jace. They never seemed to notice when he was with them or when he was having a conversation with himself. It was even easier to sink when he was alone. There was no one to distract him from his thoughts or feelings then.

But he didn’t hate himself around Magnus Bane.

The easy smiles and light touches sent shivers down his spine and when he smiled back, Magnus lit up as though that made his day. Izzy sent him pointed looks whenever she was close to the two of them and Alec would roll his eyes at her, but he didn’t feel like he was doing something wrong. He wanted to go out with Magnus, to kiss him and to laugh with him. There was nothing disgusting about Magnus.

Whenever Magnus had helped the Shadowhunters, Alec always stayed with him for a while. They talked about everything from Chairman Meow and Church to what Peru was like in the winter or the fashion in 1900th century London. Alec made sure to sit as far from Magnus as the sofa would allow and to never stare for too long (because then Magnus got that look like he wanted to try something and Alec didn’t think he was ready).

When Lydia Branwell came along, Alec thought he’d be happy to act like he was normal. He liked her and they understood each other, but pretending to be with her for a sham marriage didn’t make him feel like he fit in. The small, cold smile on Magnus’s lips as he told him about the engagement crushed his heart more than Jace had ever done.

He thought he’d lost Magnus forever but Magnus showed up at the wedding. Alec’s relief was so palpable that he knew he had no other choice as he couldn’t let Magnus leave without showing him what he felt.

He realized he was in love with Magnus when he looked at him and felt his heart soar, when he couldn’t take his eyes off him as he walked down the stairs, towards him. Their first kiss felt like coming home and this was where Alec did fit in; with Magnus in his arms.

He didn’t panic until they had separated. But as he looked around the wedding reception, all the people that mattered to him – except for his parents and Hodge – were smiling.

Maybe there was nothing disgusting about him either.


End file.
